Waiting…

14 Nov

Wednesday, November 1410:30am

Waiting is the hardest thing to do.

When you’ve done everything you can and there is nothing left to do but wait, it’s absolutely the hardest thing in the world. Today my dad is having the scope that will tell us that he is cancer-free.

I feel numb. Void of emotions. I’m on auto pilot. It’s a very familiar feeling for me, as it’s how I survived between the time I was diagnosed with cancer and the day I had surgery.

I remember feeling normal as I went on with life as usual after my diagnosis. I scheduled appointments and saw doctors. We went swimming, had cook-outs, laughed, and drank wine. We went for bike rides, walks, and even took a 4-day trip to the Wisconsin Dells.

I began to make arrangements for when I’d be away. I made play dates for Bobby. I cleaned the house, washed clothes, stocked the kitchen. I made sure that phone numbers, directions, and instructions were all available to whoever might need them. I had to know that everything would keep running while I was away because if I didn’t do all of those things, everything would fall apart. Or so my mind kept telling me.

My mind kept itself busy with the logistics, the plans, the checklist… always the checklist. I didn’t really start crying until the surgeon began drawing all over my back. Drawing where he was going to cut. Then the tears started… and they didn’t stop for quite a while.

I feel that way today. I woke up and thought, “Good, it’s Wednesday. It’s finally Wednesday.” I got Bobby off to school, I made coffee, I’m writing this blog and thinking back to 2 years ago. I’m thinking of what homework will need to get done tonight, who was eliminated on Dancing With The Stars, what I have to pick up at the store. So much to think about…

Or so my mind keeps telling me.

But once I peel away the layers that my mind is working so hard to bury is the thought of my dad’s scope. Waiting to hear the words that we so desperately need to hear. The words that he’s okay.

Waiting is the hardest thing to do…

And we’ll know soon.

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6 Responses to “Waiting…”

  1. Sandy November 14, 2012 at 11:43 am #

    Fingers crossed, hoping for the best. The waiting must be unbearable. Thinking of you and your family!

  2. Bridget November 14, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

    Once cancer has had its way with you, it’s never far from your mind. Cathy – I’m sending you, Bob and your Dad positive thoughts and prayers for health. God is watching over you all, and loves your Dad beyond words. Lots of love. Bridget

  3. Tricia November 14, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

    My prayers go out to your whole family!!! Love, Tricia

  4. Valerie November 14, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

    Praying for a clear bill of Health! Prayers to all……Valerie

  5. Nancy Reidy November 14, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

    Many prayers and good thoughts go out to you, your dad and your family. Fingers crossed.

  6. Noreen Hernandez November 14, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    Cathy my prayers are with all of you. I am so sorry all of you have to go through this again.
    Stay strong,
    I love you,
    Noreen

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